Alrite, after almost 2 months of tiny, segmented readings on the train and during my scarce free-time, Ive finally digested the 671 pages of Jung Chang's biography! Yeah, I know, the time frame that i took to complete the book was painfully long. It was an enjoyable book though. The book was bought by my mum abt a decade ago and I regarded it as another beautifuL collection on my gigantic book shelf (yeah babe, by far, i suppose none of my frens have a cupboard that's as big as mine-- solely for books!). The "cheena" greenish cover and the thickness of the book has put me off. Ive never lay hands on it till now cos it was one of my prescribed reading for History.
After my brief knowledge and study of Modern China History (acquired from personal readings and lessons), I think it's, erm (bad news!), adding more to my cynicism. yepz, im really weird alrite. But I just dont trust and believe in anything. to me nothing is absolute. My heart goes all out to those who have been so loyaL and faithful to the Communist Party. They've served the party with their life.. Mind you, it's their LIVES! What they got in return were injustice and brutality. The helpless victims were maliciously exploited to fulfill someone else's power mission.
I cower and squirm when people talk about loyalty to friends, or to whatever organisations it may be. I have to reiterate that NOTHING IS ABSOLUTE. Have they ever questioned what's the loyalty for? I guess ive more faith in the truth and what is right. Yes, very clearly, they are based on individual's discernments. But look, it is decided by YOU and influenced by no one!
After going through betrayals in friendships and relationship, I no longer believe in idealism. no doubt someone has told me that holding on to ideals makes life much more look-forward to. I dont wish to debate on this. I truely, honestly and sincerely respect this viewpoint. Everyone's entitled to live by their own principles. So long as they dont jeopardise someone else's interest.
I grew up knowing onLy fear and insecurity. Look, Im not blaming anyone. I was subjected to all sorts of threats if I dont work hard enOugh to score for my exams. Till now, I always feel inadequate of myself (that's prob how my insecurity sets in) because my parents never recognise my successes. Im being criticised for every minute mistakes and if things ever go wrong, it's always my fault, no matter what. Questioning the things that were dictated and forbidden by parents almost tantamounts to trespassing the law. Reasoning with them is impossible and beyond my contemplation. At one time, I really feel if Im a tool used by my parents to reap glory for themselves, for the success of their upbringing. Though the thought was driven out long ago, I nevertheless still live in fear and insecurity throughout my life.
My upbringing and personal life is quite parallel to Mao Zedong's reign. Oh well, Im NOT being satirical here. Im just trying to understand myself and my life better. Hmm, it's fair if u consider it as an humor element instead. But as the chapter unfolds, I cant help but keep comparing my parent's "dictatorship" with his reign. Nobody dared to challenge his motives. He held an unshakeably respectable position just like my parents. Again, ive to clarify that Im not criticising my parent's failure (or perhaps not) to build a warmer environment for me. I just feel that my parents have yet to understand how and why i develop certain principles that deviate from their own conventional set of "correct" principles in life. They hold a rigid rein over what they believed is right and Im going against them. They resent my behaviour in the same way I resent them for not being able to understand me.
Some people may insist that I have never made an effort to communicate and resolve the misunderstanding. But look, Ive only studied and learnt abt the importance and technicals of human communication in the recent years. After two decades of being stifled to keeping to my own thoughts, it's almost impossible to break out of it. Yeah, I know, you are going to debate that if i sincerely want to work on it, it could be done. but look here, if u were me, you 'd have feel tired and exhausted even before u begin! there's just so mUch and it's beyond my ability to articulate well, verbally. And i just feel so comfortable in my own world. I might nv wana step out of it again.
Whatever it is, I'm going to stick to my guns-- follow my own principles. It's not that Im anti-social alrite. But I just cant and dont wish to thrust my trust (geez! that rhymes! haha!) onto someone. I believe strongly and, allow me to replicate this line, NOTHING IN THIS WORLD IS ABSOLUTE! Even my self-defined principles of life change at different stages in life, esp after going through indelible experiences.
Another sore that I would like to justify and, is what-i-would-perceive to be of pertinence to one of the themes in Wild Swans, is the importance of education. At a point, during the COmmunist regime, education was regarded as bourgeois. I personally thought it was ridiculous! I used to be deceived for a while, by people who would tell me that being highly qualified isnt everything. They would quote me a few examples of people who have succeeded with little education. Mao and his politicians imposed so much political controls over education that a large portion of the population were illiterate. In my own opinion, he was just being jealous of the intellectuals who might ursurp his power. In the same way, I recognised that the people who have indoctrinated the weird code in me actually show antipathy to education because they are academically-lacking. They prob feel better if the substance and value of education is being condemned.
I only started to enjoy learning during my internship period with KPMG. I often lament that ive chosen the wrong course. though i managed pretty good grades for some of the subjects, i have to confess that im just studying for the sake of studying. My detestation for auditing and accounting itself, has later, proved to be an obstacle in my work. Alot of incidents at KPMG made me realised im really too inadequate to keep afloat in the society. It has made me thirst for more knowledge and I began to appreciate school life more than ever in my life.
This had thus landed me in NTU/ NIE.. I yearn for a degree. Though my grades were pretty decent (mostly "A"s and "B"s), i was unable to successfully compete for a vacancy in Biz Ad. But well, perhaps it was God's plan to place me at NIE. I made through the interview and was selected to do a degree course in education. Here, Im grateful to learn so much from the history lessons cos they have really widened my horizon and enabled me to look at things in a more critical manner. The pressure to excel and achieve honours is immense though. but well, education do serve a practical purpose too *winkz* Im just being pragmatic. Yeah, not forgeting that being ambitious is another attribute of mine.. =) But well, I have already mentioned that I have shut idealism out. gotcha! =P
